bacon chest plate

Every good butcher cum warrior reinactment enthusiast should get one.

synthetic slipper static

Of course this exists – do you think I like my hair to look like a dandelion clock?

your valentine’s boss

The schmoochiest cuddliest loveliest day of the year approaches and he’s still a frigid evil troll.

your mum loves barry manilow

Not the most acerbic of cusses but worthy of use, no?

condensation stains curtains

My Auntie Pru would definitely beg to differ, you should see the state of her swags.

pizza pilot gets points

They drive like little bl**dy maniacs yet not one of them has made the news (according to Google) for being punished for their anti-social ways!

Somali tugboat service

In the words of our submitter: “I could have sworn they are doing some business over there.”

dog blanket fluff

My house is littered with it?

bellringer’s neck ache

None apparently… nor “bellringer’s shoulder pain” either.  I may take up the hobby now I’m confident there are no worrying levels of physical duress.

itchy conifer bonnets

How can one ensure that their favourite evergreens are both comfortable yet sufficiently well-presented when their bonnets itch so?

redneck marathon champion

Running 26.4 miles when there’s no warrant out for your arrest and you haven’t got your wifebeater caught in the tailgate of a Ute?

jumping green elephants

going round in circles in front of my absinthe-fueled eyes…..

canada lacks snow

Untrue, so unsurprisingly unstated.

transmission fluid martini

“When the party is rocking and you run out of liquor, this drink can be a quick (and less tasty) substitute.”

hat attacks grape

A juicy tale.

minced juggler

I’ve seen some that mince but none as yet that have been minced.

hopscotch champion impales self

…on? I wish I knew.

hairy hermit tits

Pretty little birdies only found in Tibet.  (Yes, get your mind back out of the gutter.)

knife-wielding gynecologist

“I guess those gynecologists aren’t as scary as I thought.” comments Elizabeth the contributor. Indeed.

arteriolsclerotic nintendo game

Hardly a surprise that there’s no websites about that.